Scared!

Last night I had the privilege to listen to my good friend, Matt Clark, deliver a heartfelt keynote at one of my favorite camps: LCU's Encounter. He ended his message appealing to the 1000 gathered students to put their "planks" (Matthew 7:1-4) out there, to hand them over to the "Plank Remover," Jesus Christ. He called the camp to transparency and confession. Ministers stood on the stage prepared to receive those desiring prayers. Students, counselors, teachers and sponors flooded the stage.

Having faced crippling shame in my own life, Matt invited students dealing with shame to come and pray with me...and there were many. As we huddled together, tears streamed down thier young faces, heads hung low and their heartbeats raced. I could see it in their faces, they wanted to share, and not just the generic,

"I've got some struggles right now!"

"I've made some bad choices!"

"I feel ashamed over things I have done!"

But I could sense they wanted to name "it" but were afraid. They were afraid of being known. Being known means being vulnerable, it means the possibility of rejection, it means undoing the perfect perception they'd worked so hard to establish! They wanted to know what all humans want to know..."Will you still love me?"

This is why ALL people need...

1. The Gospel. In Luke 7, Jesus dines with a Pharisee, the religious Lebron. During the meal, a prostitute enters the home and begins to wash Jesus' feet with her tears. Her very presence at the table defiled the meal. She was dirty, unclean...a sinner. The Pharisee mumbles to himself, "If Jesus KNEW what kind of woman she was..." implying he would cast her out, reject her, scold and rebuke her. The Pharisee failed to realize that Jesus DOES know what kind of woman she is. He knows she earns a living by selling her body. He knows she is a sinner. He knows she is unclean. But, he also knows her heart...her broken and repentant heart. Knowing what he knows Jesus affirms her,  "Your sins are forgiven! Go in peace!" In other words, "I still love you!" 

No doubt the woman came to Jesus trembling expecting rejection, hate, and humiliation. Fear! But she encountered the gospel, the good news, Jesus Christ and disovered that her worst was no match for the love of Christ! We need to hear the gospel and be reminded of it in our worst moments!

2. Deep Relationships. Facebook and Twitter give us the ability to be our own paparazzi, publicist, and promoter. We edit our own life to a highlight reel and in so doing create a community of superficial relationships. I'm not knocking social media...I will link this post on all venues. But, superficial relationships cannot provide the safety humans need to thrive. We need deep meaningful relationships, and it doesn't have to be many...one, two, three individuals with whom you can make yourself known, fully known and who, with their words and actions, say, "I love you still!"

More than investing in successful careers, stocks and bonds, or luxury homes, we would live healthier, fuller lives if we invested in deep meaningful relationships. It's worth more than the price of your home, a new title at the office, a salary upgrade, noteriety, and "success." 

3. A Faith Community. Our churches have an amazing opportunity to be safe zones, places known for "loving still!" Places where strangers walk in and feel at ease, places where confession is modeled and practiced by leadership, places where grace is not simply preached but lived out in tears and embraces, places where people can check their performance at the door, and places that exorcise fear! 

Yes, many churches fail, many foster fear...but many do not. Find one! Join it! Become a part of the "no fear" culture! A word to Church leaders: creating a No Fear Zone starts with you: your transparency, your teaching, your intentionality...

As the students huddled around, afraid yet wanting to be known...the Spirit moved me to step out of my own fear and start the conversation by sharing from my own sin and failure. Then the floodgates of confession opened...fear ceased and our hugs and tears said, "We love you still!" 

The Gospel as a Pistol: A Confession

In the third season of Prison Break (2005-2009 Fox television series), the main protagonist finds himself locked-up in a ruthless South American prison, a prison so dangerous guards refuse to serve inside the walls. Instead, military sharpshooters, crouched on watchtowers, "take out" anyone attempting an escape. Periodically, military convoys drop off food within the prison walls but what happens inside is much like Vegas: what happens there stays there. As a result, the prisoners developed their own system of government, one that is a far cry from democracy. It's a dictatorship. The "baddest hombre" gets to call the shots.

In one of the episodes, a subordinate manages to acquire a pistol. In a community where shivs are atop the weapon pyramid, a pistol means one thing: POWER! With gun hand, the inmate must decide how he will leverage this new acquired power...create equality, democracy, justice or seize the opportunity to get on top. Whether you've seen the series or not, you know the answer. He removes the current dictator from power and assumes his "throne."

Human nature tends to leverage instruments of power for self-gain - including the gospel!

A couple of weeks ago I ran into the social media hubbub surrounding a letter from a Senior Pastor in Houston, TX. Take a look:

 

I felt disgust when I first read this letter, "How could a pastor prey upon believers by leveraging the influential power of the gospel? How could he use it for his own personal gain at the expense of his congregation?" I was angry!

But then, as God often does, he shoved my anger and disgust in my face! The gospel is powerful. It fuels hope. It promises that evil will not have the last word. It speaks to the deep recesses of the human heart. It persuades. It convicts. It transform. It changes individual lives. It changes communities. It has left a lasting legacy on the world. It is powerful, but as is often the case, we I leverage the gospel for personal gain.

No, we don't have an Aviation Department at TCOC. We don't even have a bathroom in our Teen Center...but we have a Teen Center (you get the idea). Honestly, I do not struggle with leveraging the gospel for money. Money annoys me (although I do like having it). But I AM guilty of leveraging the gospel for personal gain. Confession time:

• I have leveraged the gospel to boost a ministry career.
• I have leveraged the gospel to try and build a "fan base" for my preaching.
• I have leveraged the gospel to foster a respectable reputation.
• I have leveraged the gospel to secure employment. 
• I have leveraged the gospel in search of notoriety.

Fortunately, but in the most unfortunate of manners, I detonated a nuclear bomb on all of my gospel-exploited ventures. That does not make me immune from gospel exploitation. I still plead guilty (nearly daily), but it has given me a greater awareness of those moments when I do leverage the power of the gospel for self-gain.

Bishop Hilliard's exploitation of the gospel might be easier to see, but I am guilty of the same crime.  I struggle daily to leverage the gospel for the Kingdom of God rather than for personal gain. Perhaps you do too.

My prayer is something I tweeted recently: God, I want to close the gap between my desire for the Kingdom of God and my understanding of it.  I have studied and dissected the Kingdom of God. I believe I have a decent grasp on what the Kingdom looks like. I pray that my desire for God's Kingdom match my current understanding of it. I invite you to pray this prayer with me so that we might leverage the gospel for God and God alone!

New Church Dress Code: Midriffs

It was LCU chapel and I was up to bat. It went something like this: Hey guys, I have been thinking a lot about what to say today and I have wrestled with whether to share this or not. This is not easy for me to do.  I know some of you think of me as a spiritual leader but there is something you don't know about me.  There is something that I keep hidden everyday as I walk this campus. Now, this is going to shock some of you... but..."  And then I lifted my shirt and declared, "Yes, I have a bellybutton!" 

After I cleaned the lent out, I went on to explain how ridiculous it is to walk around pretending to be bellybuttonless and that it is equally ridiculous to walk around pretending to be sinless. That day I challenged the student body to practice authenticity. Nothing really changed, because practicing authenticity and transparency is extremely difficult and many times it is most difficult among fellow Christians.  Too often Christian communities foster an atmosphere that encourages layered clothing instead of midriffs.  And yet, I believe Jesus intended the Church to have midriff uniforms.  Here are three things I believe churches should do to foster an authentic and transparent environment.

1.  Recenter regularly on the cross.  The cross reminds us that no matter how many layers of clothes we throw on the bellybutton is still there.  Even if we putty it over...the putty will eventually crack and fall out.  Sometimes Christians seem to compete to see who needs Christ the least.  This fosters "layered environments." For this reason, Churches must recenter regularly on the cross. The cross reminds us that Jesus did what we could and can never do.  The cross reminds us that our identity in Christ is based on his work and not ours.  When we hide our present struggles, failures, and sins we are claiming that that human perception is more powerful than Christ's death.  When we wear masks we confess a weak view of the cross.  As Chuck Swindoll said, "All ground is level at the foot of the cross."  If the cross accomplished what scripture claims then your sin does not define you, Jesus does.  When we truly believe this and accept this (trust me, this is a difficult journey) it frees us toward authenticity and transparency. Keep preaching the cross.

2.  Leadership Leads.  It has been my long-held belief, in spite of ministry courses teaching the contrary, that leaders should model authenticity and transparency.  Although discretion is necessary, I believe, outside of a good understanding of the cross, that the number one factor in creating a transparent and authentic community is when the leadership models it.  When a leader stands up and shares openly about her/his struggles the congregation sighs, "It is okay to be real here." Transparency can be extremely difficult for leaders because they are encouraged, more than anyone, to layer their clothes! [Read with sarcasm] - "We all know leaders are leaders because they don't have bellybuttons." Leaders within congregations should work together brainstorming and praying over various ways to model authenticity and transparency.

In college I had an opportunity to speak at the most highly attended campus devotional. I would be in  a position of leadership for one night. The month before it was my turn to speak I felt God calling me to be honest and transparent about certain struggles I was having at that time.  After much wrestling in prayer, I decided to answer the call.  I stood up in front of my peers and shared from my brokenness.  I challenged everyone to find a friend and to do the same before the night was over.  The response was overwhelming, but what I remember most was an acquaintance of mine who wrote me a several page letter expressing in detail his struggle with same-sex attraction. He demonstrated extreme courage and took a great risk in sharing such deep and personal struggles with me. I believe he felt safe to share his deeply personal struggles, although different than mine, because I took the risk first.  Leaders need to lead with transparency.

3.  Regularly offer and encourage safe confessional opportunities during worship.  Whether you agree theologically or not, Sunday mornings still offer the greatest opportunity to reach the most people with the good news of Jesus Christ.  I believe every Sunday needs an intentional time and space for confessional/healing prayer.  I'm not suggesting an invitation song - AHHHH, NOOOOOO!  I see it more like this... a 5-8 minute musical segment where the lights are low and prayer teams decorate the room in various locations. During this time the community is encourage to receive prayer for pain, sin, and/or celebration.  This makes "sharing" a natural and normal part of the community rhythm. (Also a great time for leadership to model transparency and authenticity.)

One Sunday morning, in a congregation that practiced a similar "prayer time," a group of 10-12 visiting women made their way to the front of the auditorium and fell prostrate before God in prayer.  It was a moment that shocked many of our members but was an amazing demonstration of transparency and authenticity.  I later discovered that these women were from a long-term drug and alcohol rehabilitation home.  That moment of transparency birthed a whole new ministry to this amazing group of women.  Their actions taught us something powerful that day about brokenness, transparency, and God's healing power.

Some may say, "Fostering that kind of environment might imply that we do not take sin seriously." I  strongly disagree.  We take sin seriously only when we are willing to risk our reputation, our favor with people, and our credibility by acknowledging it and asking for help to fight against it.  One of Satan's classic schemes is "privacy and silence."  Break the silence; wear a midriff.

What Was Is and Will Be

All that I have left is all that I really had in the first place.

I'm a sculptor of perception and my medium of choice has been the Christian Faith.  I learned early on which levers to pull, which words to say, which looks to sport, which verses to quote in order to win the approval of the masses.  It worked.  The school kids called me "PK" (Preacher Kid).  Mr. Integrity in High School.  Mr. LCU in college. "Charley and Terrie, you must be so proud of your son!"  It worked so well I eventually landed what I had planned from the beginning - the big preaching gig! I had sculpted a perception masterpiece.  The problem?  Any perception built on any foundation other than God eventually caves in under its own weight.  And so it did with the "big preaching gig."

I was honored and thrilled that this prominent congregation had invited me to stand before them and offer a weekly Word from the Lord.  I also knew that despite its successful history the congregation was  currently in the early stages of organizational decline.  No problem, that's why I was being brought in (sounds pompous...  it was). Except that two months into the job my gut, or more likely the Spirit (sometimes I wish it were easier to decipher between the two), told me, "This isn't going to work." But there were voices out -talking my gut/Spirit.  My education said, "You have to give it two years before you can make any decisions!"  My experience said, "You are a trained theologian and minister."  My youth said, "You are exactly what this congregation needs to ride out of its slump into a new future."  My competitive nature said, "Taylor, you're not a quitter!"  In case you missed it, my pride and arrogance out-shouted my gut/Spirit.

"I mean, I am an excellent preacher.  I will win the crowd over in no time.  I will WOW them with my first sermon and by the end of the first month they'll be thanking the elders for hiring me!"  So I delivered my first sermon with all the passion I could muster, but the WOW was more of an "Uh-huh."  The WOW didn't show up at the second or third sermon either.  Second month? Nope.  Third? Nah.  Sixth?  No way; it was bad by then.  The comments were coming "Talks too fast.  Doesn't use enough scripture.  Irreverent. Illustrations don't make sense.  Can't understand him.  He is a left wing liberal...."  Now granted, preaching always comes with criticism and I had many opportunities to taste that bitter herb.  Once after a youth rally, an elder rebuked me publicly in front of the entire congregation. That tasted sweet! Another time, at a different congregation, a member transcribed a section from my sermon, wrote a three page rebuttal and then emailed it to all my elders with out my knowledge.  Criticism and I had gone on several dates.  It wasn't simply the criticism but the reality that it began to awaken in me, "You're not that good of a preacher!"  At that point, I often considered quitting preaching altogether with dreams of serving as a park ranger in some heavily forested state.  I realized the weight I put on my preaching was too much.  It was too shabby of a structure, and would never carry this congregation through.

With my preaching crumbling around me, I turned to my mad leadership skills.  "Come on, I have always been a leader: NHS President, Drama Club VP, Chorus Chaplain, Freshman Class President, Sophomore Class President, Meistersinger President."  I thought my credentials would speak for themselves.  But, this situation was different; overt leadership would fail.  I didn't have the chips, tenure, or respect to lead overtly.  I would implement second chair leadership: relational leadership, grassroots movements, invite outsiders with clout to speak into the situation, and use data...lots and lots of data.  I was confident... then less so...then not at all...then simply kissing failure right smack on the lips.  Throughout my leadership efforts several key individuals who I needed on board called my leadership ability into question.  KABOOM!  My leadership confidence exploded as my preaching collapsed around me.

"At least I still have my integrity and character!  At least... oh wait, HAD."  The majority of people would never have doubted my character and integrity and no one was going to take that from me.  They didn't have to because I sacrificed it all when I let my heart wander into places it never belonged, launching me into a four month run of betrayal, deception, selfishness, and cheating.  At that point... "Let's see, anyone out there respect me?  Can we see a showing of hands? Umm, anyone?  Anyone?  Ok, no one!"  So with my preaching crumbling around my exploding leadership I decided to strangle my character and integrity with my bare hands.

It all caved in... all of it and I was left with nothing - Preaching? NO.  Leadership? Funny.  Character and integrity? Shut up! - everything I had relied on for my identity.  All the little pieces I had woven into a beautiful tapestry and named "Charlton" were now shattered across the floor of my life.  I was left with nothing but God!  That's when it hit me; that's all I ever had, GOD!  Even when "I had it all," I really just had God.


All that I have left is all that I really had in the first place.

A Striptease

Although the human path is diverse and varied, all of us intersect at life's mandatory stops: the yearning to be loved, the need to eat, the search for meaning, the desire to have a high school experience like Saved by the Bell and dreams.  We all dream.  And here, at this intersection, many order the same drink.  In other words, there are individual dreams unique to you, then there are those dreams common to millions like falling and the classic naked in public.

 Setting aside nudists, Aborigines and the Amazonian Indians, most sane human beings aren't going to take a stroll through Times Square in their birthday suits.  So why is naked in public such a common fear theme? Because we all fear the shame that comes with being exposed. My uneducated guess is that naked in public has nothing to do with being attire-less, but rather with humiliation, embarrassment, negative attention and being seen without the ability to hide.  We like to wear clothes that conceal those parts of us we don't like--parts others would deem disgusting and that might shock and awe our friends and neighbors.

Naked in public threads its way through the human fabric because, I believe, we all fear being exposed. We don't want our acquaintances, neighbors, friends, families and even those who know us best to see those unlovable and disturbing parts of our hearts and souls. So we cover them up with layers of social clothing. We know if we shed our facade and disrobe, everyone will stare, some will run and others will point their fingers and condemn; and rightly so, because those parts of us are not pretty...not pretty at all.

But sometimes the clothes are too much. Either we get tired of wearing them, or more commonly, those dark parts of our souls break free from the dungeons where we've chained them and we find ourselves bared and naked. That's what I did. I'm guilty and as a result I'm living naked in public. All those parts of me I've tried to hide are now open topics of conversation for both people who know my brand of undies, to those whose extent of knowledge about me are the passing daily exchanges, "How are ya?"

"Fine. You?"

"Fine."

I cannot hide anymore. I cannot pretend anymore; and it's not because I don't want to, but because it's too late. In that very fact is both great freedom and great shame. But here's the truth: when you first stand on stage buck naked, in front of the world, you want to run, hide and wrap yourself in the curtain. But the longer you are out there and the longer you are exposed, the more those stares and jeers become routine. Eventually, being naked becomes the norm.

I'm not there yet, but this blog is dedicated to helping me become comfortable in my new-found nudity. I write here, not because I have something important to say, know something you don't, have impeccable logic or the answers you seek, but because I'm attempting to be honest, to trust in hope, and stand with the Risen Christ.

Perhaps you are somewhere on this spectrum: 1. with a secret in your heart too black to tell, knowing that doing so would lead to being disowned and shunned by all you love, 2. struggling to overcome sin yet feeling incapable of doing so, or 3. perhaps bared and naked!  I don't have answers for you ('cause I need answers).  I don't have 12 steps.  I'm not offering advice ('cause I'm searching for advice of my own).  But, I can relate.  I will listen.  I will accept you.  And most importantly, I will stand with you as we stand alongside the Risen Christ.


If you would like to visit with me, a fellow struggler, shoot my wife an email: mbt6675@gmail.com.  Give her a contact method and I'll get in touch with you.

Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ...[nothing] in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.